


Soaring Ever Higher (But I Flew Too High)

by waterofthemoon



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Jossed, M/M, Mythology - Freeform, One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-13
Updated: 2009-06-13
Packaged: 2017-10-09 01:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/81558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterofthemoon/pseuds/waterofthemoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes the right thing isn't the best thing. Without Jared around, Jensen finds himself in freefall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soaring Ever Higher (But I Flew Too High)

**Author's Note:**

> This is not any of the fics I'm supposed to be writing, nor is it the schmoopy porn I wanted to write, but Jensen wouldn't leave me alone until I finished it. A lot is based on knowledge gleaned from last month's [Asylum con](http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/index.php?title=Asylum_2009)\--I wrote it before I knew they've had the dog for two years, so um, this is a little AU, I guess. For those who are unfamiliar, Wikipedia has a summary of the Greek [Icarus myth](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Icarus) I reference. Thanks to [**unperfectwolf**](http://unperfectwolf.livejournal.com/profile) for the beta!

After he and Jared decide to take a break from whatever it is they've been doing, Jensen tries. He sleeps in his own bed, calls Danneel more. He even adopts this fifteen-pound fluffball of a dog with her, though he didn't actually have any say in the matter. Not a real dog, not what he's used to living with, but maybe that's good.

Danneel names the dog Icarus, and Jensen goes along with it, ignoring the stab in his chest that tells him exactly what Jared will say about that. But Jensen doesn't feel like he's plummeting—he feels okay, like he's doing the right thing, like he's doing what will make him _happy_.

Jensen chooses not to remember that the last time he was really happy, he and Jared were still more than best friends.

*

Jared's there when Jensen goes in for his eye surgery, waits around to take him home afterwards. His hands are strong on Jensen's back and shoulders as he guides him into the house, and Jensen tries not to react to the touch, tries not to _feel_ so goddamn much. It doesn't mean anything. It didn't mean anything four years ago when he took Jared to the ER after that bar fight, and it sure as fuck doesn't now.

All the same, he wants it to mean something when he wakes up the next day and Jared is the first person he can see clearly. He wants it, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea.

*

He goes to Europe with Danneel, and it's weird, not having Jared around. Instead of getting the space he needs to clear his head, he keeps thinking about all the places he wants to tell Jared about, all the things he wants to show him. He thinks about all the time he thought they had and didn't get, and he thinks about what that means, that he can't _stop_ thinking of Jared.

He knows it's dumb. It's not like Jared's out of his life, far from it, but he feels like he's lost something anyway.

Danneel likes Jared, but Jensen learns to keep quiet on the subject after the tenth sidelong glance she throws him when Jared's name comes up. He doesn't want to hurt her anymore. He never meant to hurt anyone, and he thinks maybe that's how he got in this to begin with.

*

When he sees Jared again before the con in the hallway between their separate rooms, it's like remembering how to breathe. Jared's a little shaggier, a little scruffier than he was when Jensen left, but he's so utterly _Jared_ that Jensen's at a loss. He doesn't know how to be exes with his friend or friends with his ex or whatever this is. He's not even sure he can call Jared an ex, and that alone puts him on foreign ground.

"Hey, man," Jared says. He sounds tired, like he hasn't been sleeping well. Jensen can relate.

"Hey," Jensen answers. "You all settled in?"

Jared nods, a little stilted. "Yeah. My fucking plane was delayed, but I got here, anyway. Didn't even lose any luggage, which, hey, always a plus." He smiles and gives a nod towards the elevators. "You ready to do this shit?"

_I don't want to marry my girlfriend, and I missed you so fucking much that I don't know what to do with myself,_ Jensen thinks. Out loud, he says, "Always."

*

The con's a con—screaming girls, invasive questions, cameras flashing everywhere he goes. It's become routine, though. As much as he hates feeling like he's in a fishbowl, things like this remind him why they work so hard nine months out of the year, why the show _matters_, though it's hard to remember that when he knows over half of them believe things about him and Jared that he's not supposed to think about anymore.

On the second night, he and Jared catch up with Fred and end up drinking themselves into oblivion. If Jared keeps clenching his fists into balls and looking at Jensen like he really wants to say something, Jensen pretends he doesn't notice.

*

When the con's done, they go their separate ways. Jensen's heading back to LA, and Jared's staying in Europe to travel a bit. While they're waiting for their ride to the airport, Jensen hands Jared a disc of all the pictures he took. "I figure Paris is still out, but if you make it over to Scotland, there's some pretty cool castles we checked out. You'd like it there."

Jared takes the disc, then glances over at Danneel, who's deep in conversation with Jason. Jensen follows his gaze. She's beautiful, fierce and animated despite the sleep deprivation, and maybe she and Jared aren't as different as he thought.

"Sure, man, thanks," Jared says, his tone light and breezy and completely frustrating. "I really appreciate the tip."

Jensen hesitates. "You're not going with Gen?" Jared and Gen have had this weird _thing_ all season; Jensen's never asked what, exactly, is going on there, but he feels like he needs to know now.

Shaking his head, Jared says, "Nah, she's got shit to do. And I kind of need to do this on my own. I've never traveled completely by myself before, you know? It'll be an adventure." He pauses. "And Gen and me, it was never—she's a cool girl, but we're just friends. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," Jensen hears himself mumble. "Sure. Friends." He thinks, _I know we're friends, too, and look how that ended up._ When Jared gives him a searching look, Jensen says something about taking care of dogs and not being a stranger, then moves away to stand by Danneel, feeling himself shake all over.

On the plane, Jensen peers out the window at the Atlantic and thinks about falling, wonders what would happen if the plane stuttered and plunged deep, deep into the ocean.

*

Jared doesn't come back for a month. During that time, they exchange twenty-seven e-mails, three postcards with postmarks from three different European countries, and one long international phone call while it's pouring rain in Italy. It's good. Jensen thinks it's good. Jared tells him about all the places he's been and people he's met, spilling his guts in his e-mails like he's been saving it all up for Jensen.

In return, Jensen tells him about things at home—Danneel's auditions, the new trick he taught Icarus, how he finally gave in and got his hair cut when it grew past his collar. He attaches pictures of the dogs all piled together and that one Danneel snapped of him playing with them in the yard, trying to make up for all the things he's not saying. _I miss you, I love you, I know I'm an ass, come _home_._

He gets a call from Jared's cell at the end of June. "Hey, I just landed in LA," Jared says. "You gonna come get me or what?"

Jensen grins, already grabbing keys and finding shoes. "Be right there."

*

Jared got tan and hairy in Europe, and he forgot how to dress like a tourist. When Jensen meets him in baggage claim, Jared's wearing jeans that fit him well, a tailored shirt unbuttoned partway down his chest, and a pair of expensive-looking Italian leather boots. He looks gorgeous and perfect and like everything Jensen shouldn't want but does anyway.

They stand there awkwardly for a second before Jared sighs and hauls him in for a hug. "Well, don't just stand there. I haven't seen you in a fucking month, dude."

"Yeah, and I didn't miss your sorry ass at all," Jensen quips. He grins up at Jared when Jared lets him go, hoping his face will tell Jared the truth.

*

That night, he talks to Danneel.

"It just seemed like you wanted this," she says. "Like, I knew you still loved him, but I thought things were cool now. I thought you wanted me, Jensen."

"I did," he says. "I do. I just—it's _Jared_." He doesn't know how to explain it beyond that. Jared's the sun, and Jensen's got himself so twisted up that no matter how hard he tries, all he does is gravitate.

They fuck hard and desperate on his rumpled bed, knowing it's probably the last time, and when she leaves with Icarus, Jensen waits for a freefall that never comes.

*

When he finally kisses Jared again—when their lips touch slow and careful and _right_ in the downstairs hallway, when Jared's buried inside him on the bed, when Jared wraps himself around Jensen with no intention of letting him go—it's like he's been given wings.


End file.
